JUST MY IMAGINATION

A few more hours and then it is officially 2023. Today started with my recent favourite breakfast and one of my favourite shows under the blanket when there’s a beautiful rain outside. I normally spend the last few days of the year assessing and writing down the past year and making plans for the upcoming year. Today I did neither of them. I only read what I’ve written last year, the 2021 recap. It was in my mailbox, last year I scheduled it to arrive this morning. (worth trying!) And I came to the realisation that my issues back then are long gone now. Those are no longer a concern for me. That's not to say that I am now problem-free, of course. But it is because of how much I’ve grown to either resolve or accept them. I also found my 2022 resolutions and am happy to see I managed to tick all the boxes. (except the one about taking my vitamins every morning, lol). This year there have been so many things that I need to sit and reflect on. But the highlights of 2022 were: learnin...

Writing this post from 36,000 feet above. My three-week South Korea trip is officially over. I was going to journal during this course, but it was really chaotic, to be honest. I couldn’t do lots of things I thought I would do. ‘So how was Korea, Fatima?’ This is the question I expect for the next two weeks. Crazy. Scary. Joyful. And I dare to say that I have changed slightly. I am definitely not the same person I was three weeks ago. Three weeks in another country is a long-time, man. Yes, I say things like ‘man’ now. Just one of the things I have picked up along the way. So it started a little unpleasant, I guess. 12 hour- flight is not something I was looking forward to. I was quite miserable with lots of pain, feeling over-emotional and anxious about things in general. Cannot be grateful enough that that awful trip is over for good. Then to passport control, meeting with the other colleagues at the airport, moving to another airport where our next flight was waiting for us. Get...

Biraz soguk aldigi zaman dunyasi basina yikilanlardan misiniz yoksa normal mi? Cumlenin gidisatindan da anlayabileceginiz uzere ben birinci gruptayim. Grip olmak her zaman beni ortalamanin ustunde rahatsiz etmistir. Birkac gunlugune de olsa yataga bagimli olmak, eski gucumun, kuvvetimin ve istahimin kalmamasi ve islerimin takibini bir sureligine de olsa kaybetmek beni ziyadesiyle uzer ve mutsuz eder. Normal karsilayamiyorum asla bu durumu. Mevsimin sonbahardan kisa donmesi, koronanin ucuncu yilini doldurmak uzere olmasi ve her gun onlarca insanla maskesiz temas ediyor olusum bile normal karsilamama musaade etmiyor. Ne zaman hasta olsam ‘Nasil yani?’ oluyorum. Bu gordugum halis mi Allahim, benim simdi burnum mu akmaya basladi? Bu kis kac kere hasta oldum, sayamadim. Covid bile gecirdim, ki bu kadar uzun sure kacmayi basardigim icin cok buyuk bir saskinliga ugramasam da insan yine de ‘flow test’te ikinci cizgiyi ustune konduramiyor. Tanidigim neredeyse herkes bu gunlerde hasta. Sokakta...

I was having a slow morning today and while cracking two eggs into a hot pan, just remembered a line someone said to me yesterday. ‘ Welcome to reality Fatima, you are an adult now. ’ Looks so accurate, right. And yet it is not. I have been thinking about this sentence for the last 24 hours and yet, it doesn’t feel right somehow. Then I played the ‘Adult’ by Ian Mcconnell. It goes like, ‘ Damn, I feel like an adult, and I'm pretty sure I really don't like it, never thought I ever would , now I'm dancing 'round a quarter life crisis ’. Check out the lyrics- it is brilliant. But unlike this song, I wasn’t feeling like an adult. At all. Then I started to think about what I have been thinking for the last few weeks. I genuinely feel like a child, and I think I am a child but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately who knows) I don’t get to act like one which is upsetting sometimes. And it’s not like a ‘having a child soul inside’ sort of situation. It’s simply resisting the f...

Everything in life has a time limit and often it's naive to think that we’ll have certain things forever. But what’s even more upsetting is, most of the time, things happen just as a  ‘one-time opportunity’ and it never reoccurs. Ever. Even though we have those people, it could never be the same. Because people change so quickly, so do the circumstances. And that’s fine because this is how life works. But it's also brutal to come to a realization that most of the things that happen to us will never happen again. I remember some very specific moments that I’ve shared with some people. This could be with an old friend or a current one. But regardless, you can’t relive that moment. When the moment passed, it passes forever. Even though you could meet with that person again, the vibe never would be the same. And I’m not saying this necessarily as a bad thing. This is quite a natural thing. But it's also very upsetting because sometimes I miss those moments that I know I’d n...

You are craving a coffee and decided to stop by the coffee shop on the corner. And when you are inside, you saw that a bunch of people just sank into their laptops. Nope, you did not just step into the library by mistake. But coffee shops are the new libraries. And not just recently. For many years. I don’t remember how it became normalized to work in a coffee shop but for me, it was since 2016. But why though ? When did we accept them as our workplaces ?  Our homes are perfectly comfortable and have free access to food, coffee, Wi-Fi, and water. Yes, I specifically did mention water because when you ask a barista to fill up your water bottle for the third time before the day ends, it can get quite a bit embarrassing. Have you ever wondered why we are more productive at coffee shops? Or let me ask this again. Are we really productive at coffee shops or are we just pretending because we just love the atmosphere? It cannot be denied that there is a romantic aspect to working in ...

‘ By thirty, you have hopefully grasped that you are possibly not operating from the geographical centre of universe, that life does not always go your way and that you just may, sometimes, (often actually) have to adjust your aims and your expectations and learn to deal with the disappointment that it brings.’* An ordinary day in Winchester. But it is hot, I mean boiling hot. The kind that is around 30 degrees but when you are in the UK, due to the humidity, it feels like 45 degrees. So that's kind of hot. Me and my friends are wandering the streets. Bold move in such weather, maybe. But we are having a good time and that’s what matters. Before going back to our hometown , our last stop is a second-hand bookshop. When I go to a bookstore, I usually check two sections first thing: psychology and self-help books. And sometimes child section- perks of being an auntie. Anyway, I was walking around the shelves and then saw something. ‘The 50 Things: Lessons for When You Feel Lost’....

4 mins read I woke up to my alarm at 8. Feels like just any other day except that it was not. Because today is my confirmation* review day. The one people usually say is ‘the most important milestone in your Ph.D.- except actual viva’. Alright. Let’s see what we got. I have been preparing for this over the last few months. Almost two years if you count from the beginning. But why do I feel like I am unprepared? I wrote the damn thing by myself. And yet, I am reading it over and over again as if I am gonna forget what I have written in front of examiners. I am feeling too depressed to dress formally. So I just put on one of my favorite shirts and hopped on my bike. ‘ Hi, can I get an oat vanilla latte, please ?’ I am expecting coffee to make me feel better and yet, it fails. Dragging myself to the office... Crying a bit on the way. Checking my friends’ offices to see if anyone’s in. Voila, I just found one! ‘Can you give me a hug, please’. So my day started miserably for many reas...

  7 mins read My bookcase is a graveyard of unread books. I always buy and rarely finish them. They just sit there quietly with a pen or grocery shopping receipt that is used as a bookmark somewhere in the half, gather dust, and wait for me to pick it up someday. I am obsessed with buying books. One of my hobbies really. Whenever I listen to a podcast or watch a movie or hear a conversation that suggests a book, I pause the world for a second and go to Amazon and get the book in 15 seconds. Well, eBay actually. Because you know, I am just a broke student. But this particular book saved itself from joining the graveyard of my bookcases and made it through to the end. If I hadn’t taken the seven hours train instead of the flight for my trip, I wouldn’t be able to finish it by now. If I hadn’t been too upset to go out and wander around the beautiful streets of Edinburgh and not just stayed in my hotel room, I wouldn’t be able to finish it. But I did and I am happy thus I want to...

4 mins A few weeks ago (months actually) a friend of mine recommended me a book and since then, I have been reading- at a turtle speed. It’s hard to digest. Also, I am somehow always busy! (Who isn’t?) But anyway. It is almost finished now, and I thought I could write a few words about it. Return to love is focused on the author’s experiences in the self-study guide ‘A Course in Miracles’. So, the author, Marianne Williamson, illustrates how the power of love in various aspects of life can help heal and contribute to personal development. This book makes me question almost everything that I do on automatic pilot. I cannot say that it changed my entire life. But it did put a fresh filter on my eyes and I think that’s very valuable. Because I really align with some of the thoughts, and I think to some extent it changed my perspective on relationships of all kinds. Meaning doesn’t lie in things. Meaning lies in us. When we attach value to things that aren’t love, the money, the car, ...

  4 mins read For the last few years of my life, I have been observing myself in social interactions and thinking from time to time, what's wrong with me? Because some things don’t make sense and I have been wondering, why I am the way I am? Some of the indications of these traits include, often feeling disturbed by people in society, struggling to find the energy to make a phone call or simply answer a text message, and having almost anxious feelings in some social gatherings… A few years ago, I was reading a book* and discovered that I am an introvert. That idea made perfect sense by then. I was matching the description and all other introvert features. That, however, was not entirely true. Because when I am in a good mood, I am also a very outgoing person who loves socializing and meeting new people. But I definitely couldn’t define myself as an extrovert because that requires much more than that. Then I kept thinking and for a short time, determined that maybe I might have soci...

3 mins read I was thinking about what to write on my blog today while doing the dishes. Because apparently writing every Sunday is my thing now as I set a self-imposed deadline and literally forced myself to do it. Because, after all, that’s how you develop a habit, right? And I seem to have succeeded for the last five weeks- self five! But I couldn't think of anything to write about this today. Then I paid attention to the voices in my headphones and voila! The topic of the week has just been found. The diary of the CEO is ‘an unfiltered journey into the remarkable stories of the people that have defined culture, achieved greatness, and created stories worth studying’* by his own words, Steven Barlett. So, this 29-year-old guy is basically conducting interviews with the people who have proved their success in life and simply asking them a bunch of questions on a variety of topics. These are not just cheesy motivational speeches, but more of a real-life story that is filled wi...

2 mins read Fake it till make it, they say. I mean, what does this even mean? Yes, confidence is a significant issue. That's something one might work on for their entire life. It's not easy to gain and the process is rather painful. It teaches you a lot, whilst also taking a lot from you. And I also don't think anyone can say, ‘Okay, I got this from here until the day I die’. Because there will always be circumstances that make us feel horrible about ourselves. But that's fine, too. All of these things are part of our lives. However, what I don't get is how you can actually pretend to have something you don't have. This feels so unnatural to me.  Besides, for someone to fake something, you have to trick your brain into doing it. In other words, your brain should be convinced of something you are not. Maybe it's an art and you gotta learn at some point in your life. I don't know. Although grown-up life is not as sincere as I would imagine, I believe t...

  4 mins read Hola. So, I've been working on my Ph.D. for about a year and a half now. Feels surreal. Where were we? In month 15, I have written about how much I adore working in my office and how I have more roles this year. Well, these things are still going on, except I am switching between office and library as my workplace now. You can't really work at one place while pursuing your Ph.D., can you? Regarding my roles, I think I am fairly satisfied with them, even though I was very hesitant at the beginning. I am working on a very intriguing yet challenging project as part of my job. It took a good amount of time for me to make myself familiar with the project and adjust the work-PhD balance. I still cannot say that I have accomplished that fully. I am still questioning my life when I'm cycling back from the library at midnight. But no complaints here, whatsoever. I chose this sparkly life myself, lol. Besides, I'm working with incredible people . I always try to wo...