I woke up to my alarm at 8. Feels like just
any other day except that it was not. Because today is my confirmation* review
day. The one people usually say is ‘the most important milestone in your Ph.D.-
except actual viva’. Alright. Let’s see what we got.
I have been preparing for this over the last
few months. Almost two years if you count from the beginning. But why do I feel
like I am unprepared? I wrote the damn thing by myself. And yet, I am reading
it over and over again as if I am gonna forget what I have written in front of
examiners. I am feeling too depressed to dress formally. So I just put on one
of my favorite shirts and hopped on my bike. ‘Hi, can I get an oat vanilla
latte, please?’ I am expecting coffee to make me feel better and yet, it fails.
Dragging myself to the office... Crying a bit on the way. Checking my friends’
offices to see if anyone’s in. Voila, I just found one! ‘Can you give me a hug,
please’.
So my day started miserably for many reasons.
But the anxiety of viva was surpassing that morning. That’s why when I heard
from my examiners that ‘You’ve passed, without a hesitation’, I felt like 90%
of my problems in life just disappeared. For the rest of the day, I was
jumping, dancing, and singing here and there. Because I became a Ph.D.
candidate and was feeling very proud. So why did I suffer so much before? I
honestly don’t know. Imposter syndrome usually hits when I am about to do
something important. But also, I usually set the bar so low myself. It is not
necessarily about not believing in yourself. I do believe in myself. But I
usually don’t expect much from myself. That’s why whenever I accomplish
something, I got caught by surprise. Deep down I always know that I am capable
of doing that thing. But it never hits me until that thing actually occurs.
That is a tough life- to be honest. But it is what it is.
So, this was my 18-month report but I am
actually 22 months into my PhD. It is been almost two years and genuinely feels
surreal. I don’t wanna say things like, 'I am almost there'. But I do realize
that I might be passed the half and that is scary. Do I look forward to being
called by ‘doctor’? Well… lol. But I am enjoying the state of being a student
at best. So I am not going to talk about how challenging it has been. I think, aside
from my PhD, the real hardship was that I have put myself in trying to do so
many things. For example, why does someone sign up for a conference just two
days before her confirmation report submission? What is the logic behind that?
That day became such a pain... I have survived and ended up enjoying it but was
it really necessary?
I
started to think like I am addicted to challenging myself. Because whatever I
do at the moment is definitely something I don’t wanna be doing. I usually
start doing the ‘thing’ and convince myself on the way. I am very
enthusiastic in the beginning- but there is another me inside trying to calm
down my little self. And I never proceed with anything if I cannot convince
myself. Because no one else is capable of doing that. But that’s okay...
So about some materialistic things for the
future me to remember… In the second year of my PhD, I aimed to present at 2
conferences which I accomplished. Passing the confirmation was my priority but
I also managed to work on another project as a policy associate and run the
faculty journal as a co-editor-in-chief. I even succeeded to fill my summer
with an internship which means more work- yay! Did I ever tell you that I think
I might be a workaholic? Well... I think that ‘might’ might be redundant. But
overall, it was a satisfying year for me academically. I was almost never in my
comfort zone. I pushed myself a lot and have grown a lot. But I also learned
that slow progress is still progress and good things take time. I am now trying
to make peace with these.
Last but not least, I think doing a Ph.D. is
still the coolest thing in the world.
*my confirmation was on 7/7/22 but just found the time to edit this piece.
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