The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck

 

7 mins read

My bookcase is a graveyard of unread books. I always buy and rarely finish them. They just sit there quietly with a pen or grocery shopping receipt that is used as a bookmark somewhere in the half, gather dust, and wait for me to pick it up someday.

I am obsessed with buying books. One of my hobbies really. Whenever I listen to a podcast or watch a movie or hear a conversation that suggests a book, I pause the world for a second and go to Amazon and get the book in 15 seconds. Well, eBay actually. Because you know, I am just a broke student. But this particular book saved itself from joining the graveyard of my bookcases and made it through to the end. If I hadn’t taken the seven hours train instead of the flight for my trip, I wouldn’t be able to finish it by now. If I hadn’t been too upset to go out and wander around the beautiful streets of Edinburgh and not just stayed in my hotel room, I wouldn’t be able to finish it. But I did and I am happy thus I want to talk about it a little. It all started with a YouTube video.

I was surfing (do we still use this term?) on YouTube and looking for some motivational videos for my unmotivated self at that time and started to watch something. In the 15 minutes video, there was a line that was quoted from somewhere and I immediately paused the video. Because this was about some terms called ‘backwards law’ which apparently I have never heard of it. I googled the quote, found the book that it has been quoted from, and immediately went to eBay to get the book. Yes, I was that sure that I needed to read that book. Just one paragraph was enough for me to crave the source. Anyway, the book arrived after a long journey from India and one day I found it on my desk. I didn’t start reading it straight away on that day. Instead, I packed it into my little suitcase for my travel since I knew that I will be super bored during the seven hours train journey. (again, student!)

This is a very popular book and I'm sure some of you already have seen it somewhere because I got a few DMs after sharing it on my Instagram story (a bad habit of mine) that says ‘That is a really good book’. And I started to read. And continued in the hotel. And on dinner. And finally ended on my balcony this evening.

The subtle art of not giving a f*ck. Pretty assertive, right? Sometimes I find these I-know-everything-better-than-everyone types of authors a bit repellent. However, I like the sincerity and power of the language in this one. Most of what you will read is probably you already know in theory- or at least that was the case for me. But he puts them in such a nice way that it's hard not to be impressed. I highlighted most of the pages and want to share a few of them as a taste and maybe you’ll end up getting one like me in the end.

Let’s start with the one that motivated me to chase the book.

‘This is a total mind-fuck. So I’ll give you a minute to unpretzel your brain and maybe read that again: Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience. It’s what the philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as “the backwards law”—the idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. The more you desperately want to be rich, the more poor and unworthy you feel, regardless of how much money you actually make. The more you desperately want to be sexy and desired, the uglier you come to see yourself, regardless of your actual physical appearance. The more you desperately want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become, regardless of those who surround you. The more you want to be spiritually enlightened, the more self-centered and shallow you become in trying to get there.’

I am hundred percent sure all of us have experienced this at least one time in our life. The result comes when we least expected it. And somehow, whatever we try to achieve something and put so much effort into it, we usually find ourselves nowhere near that achievement. Because trying so hard rarely gets us to the desired outcome. Also, it's pathetic. Because you end up becoming upset twice by trying so hard and not achieving what you want to achieve. And I want you to think of this outside of the classic success category. Yes, pursuing something and being insistent on that thing might get us to the reward but it is also very often that our constant effort backfires. Sometimes all we need to do is just not to care. Or with how the author refers, ‘not to give a fuck’. And it's not really about working hard or anything but mostly about changing the mindset about that thing has to become ours. Because it does not. And it most likely will not. That’s just life.

‘Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others.’

I couldn’t agree with this more and wish someday to reach the level where I can make fun of my flaws. Because trying to cover it for the others to not notice requires way more effort and mostly results in failure. I have a huge admiration for the people who can voluntarily reveal their mistakes. Likewise, I feel sorry for those who just try to seem perfect all the time, want to give them a hug (sometimes to myself as well) and tell them, ‘I am sorry that you live in a world that makes you believe that you have to be perfect to fit in but actually you don’t and that’s okay’.

‘When we’re young, everything is new and exciting, and everything seems to matter so much. Therefore, we give tons of fucks. We give a fuck about everything and everyone—about what people are saying about us, about whether that cute boy/girl called us back or not, about whether our socks match or not or what color our birthday balloon is. As we get older, with the benefit of experience (and having seen so much time slip by), we begin to notice that most of these sort of things have a little lasting impact on our lives. Those people whose opinions we cared about so much before are no longer present in our lives. Rejections that were painful in the moment have actually worked out for the best. We realize how little attention people pay to the superficial details about us, and we choose not to obsess so much over them.’

I think this transition from caring too much to not caring that much is happening somewhere between the age of 25-30. As someone who is in the middle of that period (a little past but shush), I can say that I started to care a bit less about what others think of me, but there’s still a small part of me that actually gives fuck of what the world thinks and this is also sad. (self-hug) Waiting for it to disappear as I get closer to my 30s.

‘Often, it’s this realization- that you and your problems are actually not privileged in their severity or pain- that is the first and most important step toward solving them.’

Welcome to my lifelong dilemma. I have the disease to think that I suffer the most for whatever reason. And it always surprises me to see other people suffering from similar situations. Honestly, I had the illusion to think that everyone except me is equipped with better tools to tackle the problems that life throws us. I don’t know where this idea is coming from (except that I sort of guess) but it is causing long-term self-pitying which I really hate seeing on other people. And when you see your problems as the biggest, you are making a kind of big deal out of them, and it makes the whole process more challenging to deal with.

Honestly, I feel like I can write on and on about this book, but I am pretty sure my work-in-progress thesis would be super upset and jealous for not getting the same attention from me. So, I will finish up this post with one last quote.

‘The ticket to emotional health, like that to physical health, comes from eating your veggies- that is, accepting the bland and mundane truths of life: truths such as, ‘‘Your actions actually don’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things’’ and ‘‘The vast majority of your life will be boring and not noteworthy, and that’s okay.’’’

Recently, I started to genuinely enjoy my simple Sunday routine. Having a chill breakfast, going for a walk and getting some coffee on the way, doing grocery shopping in the slowest possible way, sitting on a bench and watching the people for hours, cleaning the house, and cooking for the upcoming week without any rush… These simple and yet necessary things give me a delight now. And of course, I always used to do this kind of stuff, because you know, I am an adult and need to do the chores regularly. But they became something that I truly enjoy every bit and I look forward to. I still enjoy bustling around and working hard and being with friends. Because these things keep me alive. But now I don’t think the ordinary parts of life are boring or unattractive. I don’t think I'm missing out on things, or that my life is miserable when I just do the routine.  Doing the things that don’t necessarily have to be fun gives me a unique joy. Or I'm just getting old. Probably the latter but guess what, I don’t give a fuck.