JUST MY IMAGINATION

A couple of days ago, someone asked me a question during a presentation that I couldn’t answer, and it’s still haunting me. It’s been four f*cking days. I wake up and make myself a brekkie, I think about it. I go watch a show, I think about it. I even attended a K-pop class, I still thought about it. That K-pop class was supposed to help me forget and move on. But it didn’t quite work like that. In the class, most people were regulars. I was one of the very few newcomers, and I messed up most of the moves. I wasn’t synced with the rest of the troupe at all. The instructor — gorgeous, gorgeous man by the way — kept saying that newcomers shouldn’t be hard on themselves or stressed because they can’t keep up. My man… what are you talking about? I came here to blow off some steam. I wasn’t even aware that this was yet another thing I needed to be good at, and therefore another thing to feel stressed about. Then I started feeling like a failing student again. Even though I’m not a “st...

“Would you rather have loved and lost, or not have loved at all?” This was asked of me recently, and as a hopeless romantic, my answer is, and always will be, the first one. I think it’s always more precious to taste something beautiful, no matter how long it lasts. In the end, nothing lasts forever. I’ve been mourning and longing for the UK and everything within it lately, to the point where it makes me walk to the local coffee shop at night while it’s still raining and order one hot cocoa and one coffee: the first to give me warmth, and the second, strength. It still blows my mind that I am miles and miles away from everything and everyone I love. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been missing, so so bad, the country where I spent my last six years, the city that has been home to me for most of my adult life. I still get emails from my old workplace. I still get notified when there’s free food in my university kitchen. I still see if there’s a new dance class at my gym, or a de...

Recently, I realised that I do a lot of things half-assed. I go out of my way and try stuff. Meet people. For example, I’ll go to an event, join whatever it is, and talk to one or two people in between. But as soon as it finishes, I’m on my way. If they have a drink or supper planned afterwards, I won’t join. It’ll be too much for me. Too much what, I don’t know. Am I afraid to be too close to people? I don’t think that’s the issue. Maybe I’m just hitting my social battery by the end of the event, so I don’t have the mental capacity for more. But I keep doing this. Why am I rushing? Where am I rushing to? To my single room, where no one is waiting for me? Absolutely not. I’ve noticed this a few times recently. There was a hike I joined, and I spent five hours with those people. But afterwards, it was dinner time, and we all went to a food court. And though most people sat at long tables to keep chatting, I ate by myself. It wasn’t a sad occasion. I was actually very blissful about...

“ What do you even research in law? ” This is the question I’ve been regularly getting ever since I moved here. I wasn’t aware that the law is seen as such an “unresearchable” area. Probably my bad. Being surrounded by lawyers in the UK, I thought what we were doing made sense, and honestly, I never really questioned it. But in Singapore, being surrounded by engineers and other sciencey types, my poor little subject has been subjected to so many questions, and as a lawyer, frankly, I’m not doing a great job defending it. Usually, when people find out that I do law, or maritime law, they act surprised. They ask why . I thought it was common knowledge that Singapore is one of the best in shipping, but clearly not. I’ve met some Singaporeans who didn’t even know that their country excels in shipping. Then, when they hear what exactly I do for my PhD research, they act impressed. “Autonomous ships” and “cyber risk” are two fancy phrases that sound “unknown” enough to make people feel int...

Having decided to spend a chill day today, I was blissfully scrolling through Instagram, knowing that my only workout of the day was going to be walking across the road to grab myself an oat latte later in the morning. I was scrolling and scrolling when I saw one of my favourite influencers (this term somehow strikes me — don’t we all influence someone one way or another?) share in her story the new book by Cat Stevens, “On the Road to Findout”—  an autobiography. Coincidentally, I had been listening to Cat every day that week,  songs from Muslim Cat and before. Also, coincidentally, a few weeks earlier at a BBQ party, someone I met asked if I knew him. I nodded, thinking to myself, “Who doesn’t?” So, I had a Cat theme going on in my life for the last few weeks. And when I saw that his autobiography had just come out, fresh off the press, I had to have it. But I had little patience to wait days for it to arrive from Amazon. Plus, it was a hefty book, and I wasn’t sure how ...

   “ May God rescue you from this mall with a death sentence soon.” I’ve been thinking about this line since yesterday, that someone dropped it in a group chat. The funny thing is, it’s not untrue. But there’s still something disturbing about it that has been occupying my mind. There are two types of people here. One type absolutely hates Singapore; they feel trapped and want to move toward the West. The other kind absolutely loves it here: good salary, better quality of life, higher standards in everything, a travel hub in the heart of Southeast Asia where you can just hop on a flight and be at a spectacular beach within a few hours, the most beautiful nature when it’s green and the most stunning buildings when it’s not. The gap between the two kinds seems huge. I’m yet to figure out which type I belong to. But also — why on earth do we have to make everything black and white? Like, why can’t it be something like, “ It’s good here, except for the weather,” for exa...

In a world where everyone can be anything they want, I just want to be this coffee, dripping my way away from it all. The overthinking and stress I had made me share these lines a couple of days ago. Respectfully, in a world where anything can happen, who the f*ck cares? When I was a young university student, I read something that stayed with me all these years. It said: If you learn a foreign language, you double your value. I didn’t quite understand it back then, but over the years, I came to experience it very closely. When you know only your mother tongue, you’re somehow confined — by your country, your job options, your way of living, even your dating life. But when you break those barriers of language and set yourself free, the sky truly becomes the limit. You can go anywhere, do anything, and be with anyone — no limits whatsoever. Then why are we punishing ourselves just because we’re actually able to do that? We live in a world where borders don’t really feel like b...

Now that a month has passed (and more), I would like to talk a little bit about how I am coping with the social aspect of living in Singapore. I think when someone moves to a different country, people tend to think that it’s all glamorous, shiny, and exciting. It could be, but usually this is not the case when you move for the first time. It’s typically depressing, lonely and miserable. These feelings usually come from dealing with paperwork, admin stuff, buying things for the new house, trying to adjust to a new workplace, building a routine, and, more importantly, trying to make friends. There’s a great deal of pain in leaving your existing social circle and building a new one. It takes a couple of seconds to meet a new person, but a couple of years to really accept that person into your life. Of course, the exception proves the rule. In my first two weeks, I met a few people. In the last two weeks, I met a lot of people. When you’re new in the city, it’s easier to meet new peopl...

If you ask me what’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my life, I’d say, “Which one? I’ve done so many cool things!” But if you said, “Come on, be serious now,” I’d tell you: the day I told my story. That was the day I felt the bravest, coolest, and most inspired. It all started when one of my close friends invited me to the  TOUCH Network storytelling event. I was like, “Cool, let’s go.” I didn’t have any expectations, good or bad, except that I knew we’d see some farm animals since the event was taking place on a farm. So we went. It was a storytelling event, as advertised, but not just random storytelling. Four people talked about struggles they had overcome in life, how they did it, and what we could take from it. It was basically like TED Talks, but with fewer spotlights and more human touch. If you know me, you know I’m all about human connection, deep conversations, and touchy subjects. So I was so happy when I realized what was going on. I had the most beautiful tw...

“ Ben gurbette değilim, gurbet benim içimde ” diyen Kemalettin Kamu’ya karşı, “Arkadaşlar yıl olmuş 2025, gurbet mi kalmış Allah aşkına” diyen bana… Evden ayrılışımın 20. gününde, Mabel’in 2018’de çıkan A Canım şarkısını şimdiye kadar nasıl olup da hiç duymadığıma şaşkın olup, bu şaşkınlıkla son ses dinleyerek depresyona girmemek için odamı saat gece yarısına üç kala temizlemeye başlamışken; laptopumu bugün ofiste bırakmayıp* eve getirdiğimi hatırlamam üzerine bu satırları yazıyor olmamın şoku. Depresyona girmiyoruz, ağlamıyoruz da (çünkü buraları annem de okuyor!). Ama buraya ilk adım attığımdan beri çökmesini beklediğim o yabancılık hissi galiba yavaştan çöktü. Hâlâ bu şehirde tanıdığım insan sayısı iki elimin parmaklarını geçmedi. Fakat işler yolunda da gidiyordu halbuki. Ama durup durup “Yahu benim zorum mu vardı da evden bu kadar uzaklaştım” hissi geçmiyor bir türlü. Halbuki hayalimi yaşıyorum. Buraya gelebilmek için başkalarıyla ve kendimle verdiğim savaşlar… hepsi olumlu sonu...

I came to a local coffee shop today and ordered an oat latte. Since I want to keep the tradition alive, overpriced lattes are going to be a thing for me here, too. Not daily though, sadly. I’m no longer working from a coffee shop anyway. Why? Because, wait for it—I have a full-time job now! How cool is that? And a little scary. I’m expected to show up every morning. No joke. They gave me a nice cosy cubicle. Have you ever noticed how people use the word cosy when they don’t really want to say small ? Still, I loved it. It has my name on it and everything. I can’t believe I actually landed a postdoc at my dream research centre. I still can’t believe I’m in Singapore!! Somebody pinch me, please. I wake up every day at 7. I swim for 15–20 mins. You see what I did there? I was so surprised and happy to learn that having a pool in your condo is pretty much the norm here. Half of the apartments have a pool, gym, and some of them also have things like tennis courts, BBQ pits etc. So of c...

  It is only a week left before my big move. At least, that’s what it says on my countdown app. Yes — I am that kind of person. I thought I’d be more excited. Or more scared. I am something, that’s for sure — but not sure what that thing is. I feel like ever since I got back from the UK, I’ve been swallowing things into my throat. I haven’t yet processed the fact that I left my home in Southampton. I couldn’t get used to my first home again — Turkey — which doesn’t always feel like home these days. Because, “a man cannot step into the same river twice, because it is not the same river, and he is not the same man,” right? Neither I nor the country is the same, and this unfortunately creates adjustment problems. Also, I’ve been doing all kinds of paperwork ever since I got back. I mean, where is all this coming from anyway? I said it before, and I’ll say it again — I definitely need a personal assistant for this kind of stuff. Last night, I watched a movie called My Oxfo...

This is a long-awaited post about my departure from the UK. I’ve finally settled back in my hometown (for now), and a week has already passed. So, here we go. I said goodbye to a country where I spent six years—give or take. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Though I always knew I’d say goodbye someday, I never truly believed that day would come. It felt like ages away. I was a completely different person back then. I came to this country in tears, and I'm leaving in tears. The first time, I cried because I was heading into the unknown. Now, everything is familiar, known, and feels like home. But the tears on my cheeks fall for a different reason. I never thought I’d leave behind so many loving hearts in just six years. I came to this city knowing no one. And now, I’ve spent my final days saying goodbye, meeting people, and even struggling to   find enough time for everyone. Goodbyes are hard. Goodbyes are always hard. I don’t even know exactly what—or wh...

Asya güncelerimi bu kez kitap için biriktiriyorum. Bu gezi boyunca da sürekli ses kayıtları ve küçük notlar aldım. Vakit buldukça ve bir yere oturma imkânı oldukça da yazıya döktüm. Ama buraya gezi dönüşü birkaç kelime bırakmak istedim. Şu an Çin’de, Şangay Pudong Havalimanı’ndan yazıyorum bu satırları. 18 gündür tek başıma Asya’da geziyorum. Tayland’da şezlong başında, bir elimde hindistan cevizi suyu, di ğ er elimde de yazmak i ç in bilgisayar ı m olarak hayal etti ğ im bu tatil, benim i ç in tam bir survive etme sava şı na d ö n üş m üş durumda. Asl ı nda gezdi ğ im her yer, g ö rd ü ğ ü m her ş ey, yapt ı ğ ı m aktiviteler, yedi ğ im i ç ti ğ im ş eyler, tan ış t ı ğ ı m insanlar, genel olarak t ü m deneyim beni fazlas ı yla tatmin etti. Bu gezimi puanlayacak olsam herhalde 8.5, hatta 9/10 verirdim. Gelelim o bir puana … Bir defada dört ülke gezmek yorucuymuş arkadaşlar. Bunu Balkanlar’da ve Avrupa’da da yapmıştım. Balkanlar’da arka arkaya hiç ara vermeden altı ülke gezmiştim...