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Out of Sync, On the Brink


A couple of days ago, someone asked me a question during a presentation that I couldn’t answer, and it’s still haunting me. It’s been four f*cking days. I wake up and make myself a brekkie, I think about it. I go watch a show, I think about it. I even attended a K-pop class, I still thought about it.

That K-pop class was supposed to help me forget and move on. But it didn’t quite work like that.

In the class, most people were regulars. I was one of the very few newcomers, and I messed up most of the moves. I wasn’t synced with the rest of the troupe at all. The instructor — gorgeous, gorgeous man by the way — kept saying that newcomers shouldn’t be hard on themselves or stressed because they can’t keep up.

My man… what are you talking about? I came here to blow off some steam. I wasn’t even aware that this was yet another thing I needed to be good at, and therefore another thing to feel stressed about. Then I started feeling like a failing student again. Even though I’m not a “student” in life anymore.

Imposter syndrome. We’ve overused the term by now, right? But it’s still relevant. And it still fits every context. You can feel this syndrome when presenting your research as a PhD graduate and supposed expert in your topic, and you can also feel it when doing your first K-pop dance.

In both cases, I’m comparing myself to people who’ve been doing this for at least 20 years. Of course, it’s a bullshit comparison and not fair to myself at all. I know this. But also, who decided we need to be good at everything we do? Maybe I just want to be average. Or even bad. Like… I don’t want to do K-pop like it’s homework. I just want to have fun. Sure, it looks more aesthetic when you do the moves perfectly. But when I showed the video to a couple of people, they all told me the routine was too fast and too hard to follow.

Well, it is, and it isn’t. You learn it step by step. But it’s still fast and difficult. That’s beside the point, though.

Why do we feel the need to be good at everything we try? Is that the sole purpose of doing things? Why do we shame people for doing things just okay? What even is “good,” anyway? There will always be someone better than you, and you can always find a way to feel like an imposter.

Recently, I decided to pick up my book where I left off and start rewriting and editing again. Honestly, this is something I enjoy more than almost anything else in the world. And surprisingly, it might be the only thing where I don’t feel imposter syndrome. Writing. Not just my passion, but the one thing that gives me ultimate bliss. And I genuinely think I’m good at it.

It doesn’t matter if there are a zillion amazing authors out there; I still think mine is pretty good. That’s why I don’t feel imposter syndrome when writing. And I don’t mean writing academic stuff and pulling together textbooks and articles to justify an argument, that’s what I do to pay my rent. I’m talking about writing what’s on my mind. Letting my fingers dance on the keyboard in the exact rhythm my brain wishes.

Sometimes I just wish everything could be this easy. In the end, I’m just a girl passing through this world, enjoying a good cup of coffee. Sure, I might build a hell of a career, travel the world, try a million new things, and meet countless people. But in reality, I’m still just a girl passing through this world, enjoying my cup of coffee.



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