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Heading For A PhD




Today i read my master thesis for the first time after i submitted on September. It has been seven months since i haven't read a single word from it. Do you know the feeling of when you study too long on something, put efforts on it days, weeks and months, reach a point that you can't stand seeing it anymore and it gives you a literal vomitous feeling? Yeah, i was pretty much at that point. But today, with that sense comes from out of nowhere, i managed to read my thesis sentence by sentence and i kinda like it. I respected the work that i wrote in the stressful and dark times that i no longer live in the UK and had a lot of distractions. I even have to look at a dictionary several times while reading it. That means i created such a complicated and talented work which i cannot fully understand now. And i proud of myself. Why i am writing this? To show off my work? Hell no.

Lately, i have the fear of an upcoming PhD. The thought of “what the heck am i gonna do on the PhD” was going all around my body. I mean, we have the coronavirus which affects all the world and the borders are closed since March. But you know, i have still this dream of someday the borders will open again and some guy will ask me "Passport and boarding pass please".

I have started watching movies and following accounts on Instagram related to PhD. And there is this sentence that it is impossible for me to forget: “Doing a PhD is like putting 100,000 piece puzzle together without a box. And the pieces keep changing shape and colour. And the room is on fire.” Considering all the sources, regulations and law amendments, there is no other description this accurate regarding PhD.  I have already started to make some plans like, “if i wake up 6 every day and study 8 hours straight, then i can have a life”. But i know it is not very likely to happen. I want to be perfect both on PhD and life but when i start to think about this, i am freaking out.

I had this feeling during master as well. On every submission night and before every deadline i wanted to quit master. Really i wanted. It was that much difficult for me. But i managed to complete it and now when i read my previous works, i can say that i did a pretty good job according to my potential. Because when you have to do something, you make such an endeavour that you never did before. When you are at the bottom, you start to rise. When you at your lowest point, you find a way to get through it. If i would have all the assignment now, i may not be successful at it. Because i am not in master student mood anymore. Of course, i am continuing to my studies but i am chilling and relaxing mostly. But in the master, i had no other chance and studied anyway. For the upcoming PhD, it won't be so different. I will form such sentences that will amaze me years later.

I really believe that the human being is the best form of a creature when it comes to adopting changing circumstances. And i will act just by my nature, nothing more. So even though the idea of heading for a PhD is freaking me crazy time to time, i know i will have the inner power when the time comes. By then, i can continue to do the things that make me happy.

As the last word, this is my 100th post on this blog. In the second year of the university, i had decided to create this blog when i was extremely sad. Its been 7 years now and I reached hundreds of people through this blog. I couldn't be happier. Thank you all for being with me during this period. 

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