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Is there more to life than research?


Today, I found myself thinking exactly those words, as I sighed and puffed my way through reading my thesis. Preparing for the viva is a very tricky process. "Just reread your thesis." "Thank you, genius," I wish you knew how difficult and ambiguous this is. Anyhow, while I was scrolling down what felt like an endless Word document, I received an email.

‘We regret to inform you that’

Son of the b*tch…

What do you do when you face a rejection? Job rejection? Romantic rejection? I usually go somewhere far and cry my eyes out. Because at the end of the day, I am just a little girl. Today was no different, but I was trying to be brave. I packed my bag, left the library, and headed to my favourite coffee shop. The plan was to order an oat latte, finish it within minutes, and cry on the way home. Perfect.

I approached the counter, said hi to the barista I see every day, and she asked how my day was. I said, "I just received a rejection for a postdoc I really wanted." Why did I do that? Why do I randomly dump heavy stuff on strangers? The barista was obviously very empathetic and said she wanted to give me a hug. I said, of course. Who am I to reject a free hug? Then things got ugly. Imagine a 30-year-old girl, crying her eyes out in the middle of a coffee shop, hugging the barista. A few awkward moments later, she handed me a tissue and placed my order while giving me a cold glass of water. Then I found a seat, put my headphones on, and started watching the people passing on the streets.

I am a very vocal person and believe in the importance of sharing stuff: good, bad, or ugly. As someone who usually shares positive stuff and 'success' stories here, there's a whole other layer to it: failures. Today I got rejected for a postdoc application I wanted. Well, more honestly, I wanted it to be my backup option, so that I could reject it later... but hey, who likes rejections? I don't. And for someone who doesn't face many rejections academically, I took it hard. Very personal, indeed. Let's look at the facts.

This was the postdoc application I made right after submitting my PhD thesis. So I was already sick of all kinds of research. I had a few days before my Thailand flight and had minimal time and even less energy to write another sentence, let alone a whole new application. And they asked me to write a new research proposal. Not my PhD. So that added up to the challenge. I did the best I could, but realistically, I didn't really think it was a great application. It was an okay application, but in my head, it still needed to be accepted. Why? Because I wanted to live in Italy for a year, that's why.

According to my rejection letter, they received over 1500 applications for 36 slots. Well, fair enough. I guess if I was accepted, I should have asked them why on earth they accepted my 'rushed' application. It wasn't even that good. But again, I wanted to be the one who rejected them, respectfully. A good friend of mine, got my attention to something, upon this very egotistic sentence I said: "But the outcome is the same." Indeed. Wise words. The result will be the same. Then why on earth do I spend my afternoon crying, pouting, mourning, and questioning my life choices?

Because, my friend, no one likes rejections.

But luckily, I am a fighter. 

 

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