JUST MY IMAGINATION

2 min read I got new journals today: 2022 ones and some plain notebooks. No need to mention that I am a journal addict. I also revised the 2021 ones. Because you know, why not? By doing that, I have noticed something. My 2-month-ago problems now seem ridiculous. Not to mention my troubles from a year ago. For instance, did you know that I couldn’t ride my bike for the first 2 weeks because I was too afraid? Of course, you did not know. Even though I know how to ride a bike very well and live in a country where there are bike paths everywhere and cyclists are highly respected. Doesn’t matter. I had been suffering from this anxiety so bad. I kept buying bike accessories but never started cycling.  Then I moved to a new neighbourhood and things got complicated. I had lived on google maps for days. This one was just the tiniest one of my problems. But no one knows because everyone is handling their problems alone. I remember messaging one of my close friends something like: shoul...

  2 mins read Another year is coming to an end. There are literally 14 days left and I am so not ready for that. This year has been a roller coaster on so many levels. I don’t know even where to begin. New year's resolutions? Well, the ones that I made four years ago are still waiting for me to take care of them. So, probably no. Because life does not work that way. I already have lived so many unexpected things this year. It is not going to be according to my resolutions anyway.  Avicii says, ‘ he said one day you will leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember .’* But isn’t all lives worth remembering? I remember everything I have come across in this life. Not all of them were thrilling or necessarily pleasant. But still, all of them were memorable.  So, the concept of living a full of life is overrated. Life is already full of something. We just have to be there- physically and more importantly emotionally. Last year I spent my last week of the y...

  1 min read Dinlediğim ilk andan itibaren hemen loopa aldığım güzide şarkı. Birkaç gündür kulaklık kulağımda olduğu her an çalıyor. Mor ve ötesinin eski şarkılarını çok sevdiğim zaten sır değil. Ama bu şarkısına neden bu kadar vuruldum? S anırım  yaşadığım son olaylar üzerine biraz merhem gibi geldi. Sözlerini direkt kendi üzerime aldım. Hatta bir adım ileriye gidip bu şarkıyı kendime armağan etmek istiyorum.  Kendime ve konfor alanının tamamen dışına çıkıp, hiç yapamayacağım dediği şeyleri yapan,  zorluklarını  sineye çekip güzel taraflarını görmeye çalışan, her düştüğünde öyle ya da böyle tekrar ayağa kalkmasını becerebilen, y uvasından  ayrılıp binlerce km ötede okumaya gitmiş bütün gurbet kuşlarına... Gitmedim işte, Delirmedim de. Anlatan benim seni ve her şeyi. Ölmedim işte. Delirmedim de. Anlatan benim seni ve her şeyi. https://open.spotify.com/album/1fAHRAftczSdXs0u62jEWY  

2 min read I can't believe I’m writing this. It’s been 15 months! What the heck is that? I think my last blog post about PhD was ‘10 months report’. So, what happened in the last 5 months? So many things! But to recap, after my first-year progression review, I decided to take a few days off and it became forever. My best advice to the newcomers would be, never ever take a break for more than one week. Because it's so easy to lose track of what you've been doing. I had to read my progression review report a few times in order to remember what was doing.  But anyways. Due to lots of personal stuff, I had to take a few months off, and I restarted again in September with a new supervisor. Of course, when you give so much break, everything feels like the first time. I remember when I was reading an article in the library after a long time, I struggled so much that I started to question myself, ‘are we really working on the same area?’ But that's life. Sometimes starting ...

2 min read Today I had a job interview. The job itself and the result are really irrelevant at this point. I might update it here later. * But there are a few points I would like to make . I've been preparing for the last week. More accurately, I've been eating myself alive. This kind of stuff always makes me nervous.  It's not like ‘Oh, I have an interview tomorrow, gotta get some work’ nervous. It's ‘OMG I can't believe I am going to be speaking with these people and they're going to put me to the test regarding the job. What if everything goes wrong. I mean, EVERYTHING!’ nervous. I constantly expect something to go wrong, and that this experience will turn out to be a disaster. But usually, it does not. Last year, I was accepted into a PhD programme and gave three presentations, and I didn't die. I was successful in all of my attempts. But I did have several mental breakdowns beforehand, in case something goes wrong. It looks very funny when I write...

  2 min read Comfort zone: two words we like to use a lot in our daily lives. Oxford dictionary defines the comfort zone as “   a place or situation in which you feel safe or comfortable, especially when you choose to stay in this situation instead of trying to work harder or achieve more ”.* So, making coffee in the morning in my kitchen, for example, is completely within my comfort zone. However, hopping on my bike and cycling fifteen minutes through traffic to get to campus, making small talk with the barista, and ordering my coffee at Pret is absolutely beyond of my comfort zone. Of course, there are levels. Not everything is as simple as having my morning coffee from Pret. I have been trying to step outside of my comfort zone for a while now. Actually I thought we have closed that deal years ago. But it appears that we did not. I am not sure where this all started. It was way before my UK journey. Anyway, I have been doing my best since then. But sometimes it still fe...

    2 min read. “Life is a dark road. You never really know what's up ahead. One night you are cruising along enjoying the ride, and then all of a sudden, you are 27.” * One challenge after another. Has life always been this hard? I honestly don't know. But for the last 5 months, it feels like it just got harder. Everything is part of growing: all the experiences, every loss, every achievement… And when i say hard, i don't know what i mean anymore. Because the definition of hard has been changed clearly compare to the last year or before. I feel like i am constantly fighting with something. Generally against the bad world outside. Occasionally against myself. This is a battle that no one wins.  Well, what have I been up to, then? I have experienced so many different things. I have presented in a symposium in my own language and another one in my other own language. I have written a piece which apparently will be published. There is going to be a paper out ther...

  4 min read A few days ago, I emailed someone something like this:   ..since I just started my PhD... Umm, excuse me? I am heading to month 5 and my brain still thinks that’s a new thing. No brain, “we” certainly did not JUST start this journey. After I wrote 2 months report in this blog, I decided to make some updates time to time- in case someone out there is wondering what the heck am I doing for this entire time. Here we go. Before I started to my PhD, I had some strict rules, like calling it a day after 6 pm or taking the weekends off etc. I was aiming to maintain work-life balance as though that’s a doable thing. First things first, there is no such thing as a work-life balance in PhD. Especially in the pandemic. If you have an assignment to do, deadlines or upcoming meetings; you sit and study. That’s simple as it is. Unfortunately, I cannot consider my PhD as “work” yet, so I am not acting as an employee. I am studying when I need to, I am taking some time off when ...

3 dk okuma süresi Geçen sene yeni yıla kardeşimle birlikte, hastanede hastalara ve nöbetçi sağlık çalışanlarına çikolata  dağıtarak girmiştik. Aslında yıl, pandemi öncesinde de bizim için hüzünlü başlamıştı.  2020 pek çoğumuzun, tekrar hatırlamamak üzere hayatından çıkarmak istediği bir yıl oldu. Dünya çapında ve kişisel yaşantılarımızda sayısız acıya şahitlik ettik, çok fazla insanı kaybettik ve evlerimize kapandık. Kendi açımdan baktığımda ise kayıpların yanında kazanımlarımın da olduğunu gördüğüm bir yıl oldu. Bu yazıyı ilerde dönüp geçmişe baktığımda bu yılda yaptıklarımı hatırlayabilmek adına yazıyorum. Bu senenin en büyük kazanımı benim için şüphesiz, covide yakalanmadan ve akıl sağlığımı da elimden geldiğince koruyarak geçirmek oldu. Bu yıl olan diğer güzel şeyler: dünyalar tatlısı iki yeğenimin gün be gün gelişimine şahitlik ettim, pandemi öncesi birkaç şehir gezdim, Kapadokya'da enfes zaman geçirdim ve bunca sene gitmediğime pişman oldum, onlarca dizi ve film izle...

-7 min read- (includes spoiler)  Seven whole season and four revival episodes, all have finished last night. Before going into this piece, let me say, I adore the Gilmore Girls. I love it, I will rewatch it, and I even dare to say it is almost as good as HIMYM. I needed to clarify this because once I get into the writing, I criticize too much and people get this wrong idea that I hate it. But the truth is just the opposite. Stars Hollow In omnia paratus! Nope, it is not some spell from the Harry Potter. It means, “prepared for all things”. Comes from that creepy club called “the life and death brigade” that runs Logan and his friends. But I think it was not just that. In omnia paratus pretty much summarizes the whole series. Everything runs so fast, everyone is in the everywhere, there’s always hustle and bustle and it seems like people were really ready to do anything, anytime. Gilmore girls are a mother and daughter, living in a little town called Stars Hollow, where pe...

It has been two months since I started my PhD. Well two-ish. So why did I put a title called two-months report? Because I should’ve written this blog post a week ago when it was actually two months. PhD is teaching me something new every single day. It is teaching me that all the knowledge I learned till this very day was just the tip of the iceberg. There is a whole bunch hidden under the sea. There's so much out there to learn. I am telling myself these words every single day: man, I need to study more. But it's not just that. I always thought PhD consist of reading and writing. Well, that's easy: I love reading and I love writing. So what’s to worry? I just never realized that I was skipping whole thinking part. And yes, that thinking process is pretty much the core of your PhD. You have to build a project, like from the zero. And you have to choose every brick very carefully. I have never thought it’s gonna be this difficult. I was a very creative kid. But, not ...

  Well, where to begin? It's been ages after I wrote my previous post here. A lot happened since then.  Three months ago, I was so desperate and tired of waiting. Then something amazing happened. I got my PhD offer in my dream university from the most amazing, kindest and funniest professor ever. It was unbelievable. I did all the paperwork, said goodbye to everyone that I love. Now, here I am, sitting in my cosy room and writing these sentences from 3605 km away. It has been already three weeks. I really cannot believe it. But you know what they say, time flies. Some days were harder than the others. But in the end, I am doing something awesome in somewhere that I always wanted. And I am happy despite everything. I am not sure whether or not I am feeling home yet. It is hard to feel home in such a short time. But at some point, you come to a realization that you need to accept the fact that your home is where your backpack is. About PhD. Well, I had millions of ide...

                                                                 For the last couple of weeks, I've been attending virtual vacation schemes, internships and seminars. At the beginning of quarantine, I had this crazy idea of “gotta be productive in the lockdown”. But by the time, it has passed. Now I am just attending things for the sake of knowledge and pleasure. Living without a school is not my cup of tea. That's why for the last nine months have been quite challenging for me. But with this pandemic, suddenly we all surrounded by online events, courses and seminars which has a huge role for me making quarantine bearable. In this blog post, I want to share the cons of attending virtual events as well as pros. The first advantage is, well it is obvious, being easy to access. I am following events from the United ...

Gözümü acıyorum. Bugün bayram. Ama hiç bayram olmasını istemediğim bir bayram. Evden 3789 km uzaktayım. Etrafımda ailem ya da arkadaşlarım yok. Bayram kahvaltısı hazırlayan ya da beni neşeli şarkılarla uyandıran yok. Üstüne  bir de ertesi gün sınavlar başlıyor. Ne bayram ama! Ailemin de benim kadar mutsuz olduğunu tahmin ettiğim için güç bela kalkıp mutfağa yöneliyorum. Mısır gevreği yediğim günlerin aksine, patates kızartması, yumurta, krep yapıp tek kisilik bir bayram kahvaltısı hazırlıyorum. Hemen bir fotoğraf, aileme gönderiyorum. Maksat onlar börekleri mideye indirirken boğazlarından geçebilsin. Sonra aileyle skype. Herkes de toplanmış maşallah, bir ben eksiğim. Sonra bir saat ağlama seansı. Bu duvarlar hiç mi ses geçirmiyor da kimse odama gelmiyor. Bu böyle olmaz diyorum. Arkadaşlarım kütüphanenin yolunu çoktan tuttu bile. Hızlıca üstümü giyinip sırt çantamı alıyor ve odadan çıkıyorum. Yol üzeri markete uğrayıp bir kutu çikolata alıyorum. Yolda gördüğüm insanlara “ei...

Today i read my master thesis for the first time after i submitted on September. It has been seven months since i haven't read a single word from it. Do you know the feeling of when you study too long on something, put efforts on it days, weeks and months, reach a point that you can't stand seeing it anymore and it gives you a literal vomitous feeling? Yeah, i was pretty much at that point. But today, with that sense comes from out of nowhere, i managed to read my thesis sentence by sentence and i kinda like it. I respected the work that i wrote in the stressful and dark times that i no longer live in the UK and had a lot of distractions. I even have to look at a dictionary several times while reading it. That means i created such a complicated and talented work which i cannot fully understand now. And i proud of myself. Why i am writing this? To show off my work? Hell no. Lately, i have the fear of an upcoming PhD. The thought of “what the heck am i gonna do on the ...