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“Would you rather have loved and lost, or not have loved at all?”

This was asked of me recently, and as a hopeless romantic, my answer is, and always will be, the first one. I think it’s always more precious to taste something beautiful, no matter how long it lasts. In the end, nothing lasts forever.

I’ve been mourning and longing for the UK and everything within it lately, to the point where it makes me walk to the local coffee shop at night while it’s still raining and order one hot cocoa and one coffee: the first to give me warmth, and the second, strength. It still blows my mind that I am miles and miles away from everything and everyone I love.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been missing, so so bad, the country where I spent my last six years, the city that has been home to me for most of my adult life. I still get emails from my old workplace. I still get notified when there’s free food in my university kitchen. I still see if there’s a new dance class at my gym, or a deal at the pizza place I used to order from. I’m not ashamed to admit that I miss anything and everything. 

And as much as it hurts to have left everything and everyone I loved behind, I’m here to write new chapters now. And I know I can visit one day. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. It’s heartbreaking to think I’ll need a visa now. Really, UK? After so many years?

I walk, I fall, I pick myself up. I move, I fall, then I crawl a little. That’s how I’ve been moving on. Someone recently reminded me that I’ve been going through so many changes for the last couple of months, all at once. Two and a half months in, I thought I’d be rocking it by now, but that’s far from the truth. I’m back to baby steps, learning, forgetting, and learning again. It's not fineapple yet, but I know it will be. I believe in myself.

Life is tough. But I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do, and I would’ve resented myself if I hadn’t come. Because I still believe there’s more room for me to see, live and grow.

And I know that one day, I’ll go back home. And then, we’ll pick it up like I never left.

 


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