JUST MY IMAGINATION

A couple of days ago, someone asked me a question during a presentation that I couldn’t answer, and it’s still haunting me. It’s been four f*cking days. I wake up and make myself a brekkie, I think about it. I go watch a show, I think about it. I even attended a K-pop class, I still thought about it. That K-pop class was supposed to help me forget and move on. But it didn’t quite work like that. In the class, most people were regulars. I was one of the very few newcomers, and I messed up most of the moves. I wasn’t synced with the rest of the troupe at all. The instructor — gorgeous, gorgeous man by the way — kept saying that newcomers shouldn’t be hard on themselves or stressed because they can’t keep up. My man… what are you talking about? I came here to blow off some steam. I wasn’t even aware that this was yet another thing I needed to be good at, and therefore another thing to feel stressed about. Then I started feeling like a failing student again. Even though I’m not a “st...

“Would you rather have loved and lost, or not have loved at all?” This was asked of me recently, and as a hopeless romantic, my answer is, and always will be, the first one. I think it’s always more precious to taste something beautiful, no matter how long it lasts. In the end, nothing lasts forever. I’ve been mourning and longing for the UK and everything within it lately, to the point where it makes me walk to the local coffee shop at night while it’s still raining and order one hot cocoa and one coffee: the first to give me warmth, and the second, strength. It still blows my mind that I am miles and miles away from everything and everyone I love. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been missing, so so bad, the country where I spent my last six years, the city that has been home to me for most of my adult life. I still get emails from my old workplace. I still get notified when there’s free food in my university kitchen. I still see if there’s a new dance class at my gym, or a de...

Recently, I realised that I do a lot of things half-assed. I go out of my way and try stuff. Meet people. For example, I’ll go to an event, join whatever it is, and talk to one or two people in between. But as soon as it finishes, I’m on my way. If they have a drink or supper planned afterwards, I won’t join. It’ll be too much for me. Too much what, I don’t know. Am I afraid to be too close to people? I don’t think that’s the issue. Maybe I’m just hitting my social battery by the end of the event, so I don’t have the mental capacity for more. But I keep doing this. Why am I rushing? Where am I rushing to? To my single room, where no one is waiting for me? Absolutely not. I’ve noticed this a few times recently. There was a hike I joined, and I spent five hours with those people. But afterwards, it was dinner time, and we all went to a food court. And though most people sat at long tables to keep chatting, I ate by myself. It wasn’t a sad occasion. I was actually very blissful about...